No moreSlit my wrists and hope to dieSit around and wonder whyI love you and you love meBut I want to be set freeBecause of you I can't leaveLoving you is my pet peeveClose your eyes, don't watch me fallCuz I'll want to end it allI don't know if I'm still hereOr if I've succumbed to fearI can live this life no moreI lay silent on the floorI have no more tears to shedClose my eyes, lay down my headSlowly let my smile fadeWonder if I should have stayed
ListenStop whatever you're doingDon't listen to those fake thoughtsStopPut your hand over your heart.....Do you feel thatDo you feel the beatYou're body is pulsatingWith lifeWith loveAnd with lightAnd if you listen close enough...You can actually hear that in those beatsIt's like listening to a clock ticking through timeNow, that's how to REALLY listen to your heartAnd once you hear it's beautyYou'll want to hear moreSo maybe it's time that you listen to someone else's heart tooBecause sometimesHearts beat in sincJust like how my heart beats for youSo dearLet's take a break from this nightmarePut your head on my chestAnd listenAs my heart beats for youAnd let our hearts gradually beat slowerAnd slowerAs we fall asleepInto a better dreamOk dear
BurnCan you hear me?Can you see me?Do you fear me?Could you be me?What do you think?Could it be true?Is it possible,That I could be you?Well, dear,What do you say?You sense that I'm here,And I'm here to stay.The words don't come out right,The pain just stays in,And there's nothing you can do about it,No way you can win.So let me hold you,And watch you burn.From dust you came,To dust you return.
FallI accidentallyRead those words again"Fall Apart"And that's exactlyWhat I didI turned to youHead downEyes wateringAnd asked"Do you thinkThat I mightFall apartAgain?".....And you saidThat youDidn't knowBut you did knowThat youWould do anythingYou couldTo help prevent it"But ultimatelyIt isn'tUp to me"You saidThen I worriedBecause you are my strengthBut thenYou lifted up my chinWith your gentle graspAnd gazed intoMy pool of tearsWith your very ownAnd said"Even if you doEnd up broken againI will still be thereTo pick up the piecesI promise"And thenWith youBy my sideAndIn my heartI knew I wouldn't fall apart againNoInsteadWe'd fall togeter
FarDeep or shallowFull or hollowAfter a while you don't even knowIt all rushed so fast, yet went so slowThe signs are clearly starting to showAnd now you're afraid as to how far you'll go
Hope"Hello,are you there?I can feel your eyes boring into me,I can sense your stare."Really,Is that all you have to say?You have no words of "hope" to tellBefore I fade away?"Please,I've come to heal.Trust me,I know exactly how you feel.""You know nothing!" I harshly whispered."I refuse to take off the mask I have on.The damage has already been done and it's irreversible now,for I am already gone.""What?" You uttered."What do you mean?"Wow, you're clueless. But it is pitch dark,so I guess the blood can't be seen."It's all over now." I whispered,finally a real expression of peace on my face.Now I finally saw that "hope" you spoke of,as I slipped away, smiling and staring off into space.
Blend InWith sharp words and empty smilesYou discovered the will and strength that I was lackingYou took a swing at me and liked the powerSo you just kept on attackingYou pushed me down and hovered over meYou lunged at old scars and kept on hackingYour grin full of satisfaction and eyes full of venomBecause you could see I was breaking and crackingThen I'm not quite sure what happened nextBut I was aware of your feet clicking and clackingThough I knew you were fleeingI was unaware of what sent you packingAs I picked myself up, my vision was blurringI collapsed in a corner, my mind slurring and slackingMy wish to "blend into the scenery" had come trueAs I slipped away and became part of the wall to which I was still backing
TwistI'll draw how I feelIf you really insistIt'll be a small pictureBut you'll get the gistThough it comes with a priceAnd it comes with a twistFor the "pen" is a razorAnd the "parchment" is my wrist
WingsA rip and a tearThe glimmer of dim light causing the metal to glareBut we won't stop thereBecause this is the only thing for which we still careDrip Drip DripWith every drop, we're falling fast and falling fasterPushed to the edge by life's unmerciful disasterThe pure cruelty of this world hidden by liesKept caged behind sorrowful, sullen, sunken, dull eyesAnd that's only part of our maskBut you should know better than to askBecause after the first couple of cracks and chipsWe decidedly seal our fake-smiling lipsFor we are already weakened and wish to hurt no moreWe're still trying to heal the hole you unknowingly toreFor when you went, emptiness was left behindWe can't believe we trusted you, we were childish, stupid, and blindYou must remember we're fragile and scared though we hate to admitWith every pang of guilt and shame, you know where it's going to hitAnd because our mask isn't easily
LessonsIn forty-seven minutes I will be twenty-one years old and my throat is tight with this notionthat every passing moment is a boat taking me further from the boy on the side of the road.I am terrified of the swelling tide of time, the ripples I will create,the creases that will be etched into my facewithout the laughter lines I know he would have left andone day someone will ask me how many siblings I have and I will hesitatebecause he will be so distant and I can feel it coming.I never intended to swim without him, butI am drowning under the weight of pocket-stone-people,the ones I love who he has never met and won't ever meetand its forty-four minutes until I turn twenty-one when I realize the relentlessness of this;how I will age away from him and I am disgusted with myself, with his ashes on the bookshelf,with this world that keeps making mistakes that can't be fixed.Twenty one years old and I am a semi-colon, a shuddering pause on the floor,remembering the time I broke
Dear Homophobic ParentsDear homophobic parents,How the fuck do you think it makes me feelWhen you walk out of the room cryingBecause you can’t stand the thought of something I can’t control.I’ll tell you that it makes my insides burn.The living room feels like a closet.Suffocating, and yet I can breathe fine.I am choking on the air,Polluted by your homophobic slurs.You’re hypocrites.Making uneducated guesses about things you know nothing about.Someone ought to teach you to look shit upBefore you go about, shouting your false claims to the world.My very existence is an error.Some messed up chemical defect that went wrong,I don’t belongAnywhere.I am the Titanic,To you I am supposed to be perfectAnd unsinkable.I am supposed to be straight, and happy, and fine.But I am so very far from fine,When my lungs are filling up with water,Your words are an ice berg,And I am sinking fast.
.my heartbecomesa madmantakingan axeto its ownbody
beautiful.i hate my stretchmarksthe vertical the horizontal the ones running miles down my armsstripes on a circus tentmy body is a freak show75 cents a ticketthey are the bars on a cagetrapping me inside this prison cell of flesh (not letting me run away from all i once was)reminding me that i am still that little girl who was told that she had toomuch weight in her stomachand in her thighs to be called beautifulmy stretchmarks are the debris from when i tried to collapse upon myselftried taking up less space because beautiful is small beautiful is skinnydiets upon dietsbecause i've been told thati am only worth the sharpness of my collarbone
why i never wrote you a poem.last summer i triedto use the words that you fell asleep toto write you a love song butevery time i triedmy fingers froze up.i failed the test of describing youin a paragraphin a sentencein a wordbecausethere is nothing in my head adequate enough(worthy enough)to describe how you lookon the train station platformwhen you smile at me.i can tell you thatmy heart climbs into my throat andmy body prickles with heat andeverything disappears, for just a moment, butthe thing i cannot describeis you.your mouth caresses my namelike it’s the most beautiful soundit’ll ever know,like it understands me perfectly,but you,you are not made of verses.you have no meter.you are not written in stanzasthat i understandand i find myself captivatedat how beautifully complexyour language is.you say i’m the mesmerizing one, but, baby,you've stumped me.you have left a girl,a writer,a person who wants to build their lifewith words,speechless.
girls that photosynthesizeI.i asked my mother to buy me sweetener,and she said "no," and she said "no,sugar is better for you it's more natural"so i shrug and i clamp my teeth over my tongue and sew my mouth closedand i steal sweet n' lowfrom the pizza placeII.my friends watch me pick at my lettuce,a rabbit-food-lunch that makes me sickto my stomach, and when i run to thebathroom during science class theyfollow me and ask what i ate for breakfast.i say "waffles" because they can't knowi won't let them stop meIII.my therapist asks me if i think i'm sickand i'm not, i'm strong, but i can't benot here not here, and the $$$$$$$$are ticking away as i consider my answerso i say "yes" and she asks me whati will become and i say "better"because that's all they want to hearIV.my dietitian sets up a rough meal planand she says i won't gain weight on itsomehow i trust this woman with arton the walls of her office and i pickthrough the day in corn-kernel bites,
WeightWeightThere is a weightYou asked me to hold.(Just for a while,Just for a while.)My tendons strain and snap,I lack your Atlas strength.The crushing force of gravityMakes me weak, makes me sore.Take it back, take it back,But you’ve gone away.I’m sinking down, I’m sinking down.The water rises to my throat.Pushing down, rising upDrowning and drowning and drowning.Take it back, please take it back,Where have you gone?I’m pinned beneath this weight,With water to my nose.My lungs fill up with salt,Choking and screaming and breathingOnly freezing thickness of water.Where is that mild friend oxygen?Where has he gone?My stinging eyes are blind here.I cannot to escape, unwillingTo shed this leaden snareWherein I dwell confined.By You.I grip it tightly.Surely I will die,Sweet air has left my bloodcompletely.I lay back and let black water take me,Frozen fingers loosen on Your weight.And all at onceit falls awaycompletely.I watch i
Was Beauty, Now BeastComing back again, the same situation,Everything has changed due to my perpetration.Beauty used to be in every word that I speak,But I spat so much poison, that I can barely squeak!I used to write a fantasy and now I'm simply dreamless,I'm struggling with this sickness, it leaves me solely listless,Or maybe I'm just soulless, my eyes are milky blind,Where once I saw the beauty; I only see the grindIt should be a crime, a poet falling low,The world has lost an artist; it gained a rapper though.But all I have is acid, recriminating bile,My style is simply vile; I've lost the will to smile.But maybe if I try, I might get something back.I guess I need to stop the hate to put me back on track.
The Girl Who Was Afraid To BeShe speaks to me fondlyof passions and talents,of guitars and stars,with such breathless intensitythen stops short andapologisesfor speaking at all.All because somewhere in her life,someone she loved broke her heartby ignoringher beautiful wordsand telling her toshut up,keep it down,nobody cares.People aren’t born sad.We make them that way.
MaskMaskA maskWear a maskI wear a maskA mask that hides my faceA face that expresses my painA pain that rules my heartA heart that is truly in vain